not enough
[slam poem]

2015 | Netherlands

The moments I hope no one sees me.
The moments I hope to become one with the background -
Consciously looking out for people who want to harm me.
Screaming at me to go back to my home
country - Whereas the ground I put my feet on is discovered by my ancestors.

Where you tell me it is about racism,
and I tell you it is about my life.


You let me starve in the corner hungry for appreciation
You feed me with empty words, asking me to wear them as a medal around my neck -
Though their weight make my head sink

I was looking for the mistake within myself so I never even dared to raise my head.

I am existing as a grey area -
you want to fill in with your colour.
I am a contradiction within my existence.
I heard that i was never supposed to be heard -
Since intelligence is a white trade.
As if my mind can’t match you
As if we form the same sentences but in
different languages.

I wanted to bleach away the things that make you feel uncomfortable in me. Spending the next days apologizing to my skin because it was never enough to just be me.

I was never enough
Too white to fight for black rights
Too black to understand what I am fighting for

Where you tell me it is about racism,
and I tell you it is about my life.

Coming from a loving home, I got sent out into the world with confidence.
Until you taught me I am not enough
Until you taught me to love myself last

I am standing here and say how I fell
I challenge your eye contact but you are too weak to keep it up.
Telling me that I should not victimize myself
Telling me that it can’t be that bad
Since my philosophy will never be valid

Where you tell me it is about racism,
and I tell you it is about my life.


The fear of becoming another statistic
I want to escape but you do everything to push me back in -
So I am sitting in the back as we used to.
As if it is too difficult to wrap your mind around
As if we would take away your triumph, you pride, your goals.
But don’t worry, we have better things to do in live than become one of yours.

Where you tell me it is about racism,
and I tell you it is about my life.


You try to defend yourself by telling me
“You do not see colour”,
Not acknowledging that there is a difference
Because ignorance is your friend
At the same time, sitting next to me and saying contemptuously “Nigger”
As if i would not be there
As if I would not be black enough to get hurt

Where you tell me it is about racism,
and I tell you it is about my life.


So I am staying here waiting for the moment I can overcome all that bullshit,
For the moment I am able to stop listening to your words - That one day I am able walk around with my hair wrap up high, without being afraid to get noticed.
Not to hide my hair you run your fingers through -
But to make a statement that I am proud at who I am.